Valley of the Shadow Read online

Baojia rolled his eyes. “She’s already stronger than me. She just has different ways of showing it.” He turned and walked out of Lucien’s cabin. “Come up to the house when you’re finished talking,” he said. “The kids made cookies, and Gus and Matt are barbecuing.”

  Christmas Eve passed in a blur of food and laughter and presents. Much to everyone’s delight, Isabel, Gus, and the rest of the family were excellent musicians and the evening concluded with a dance in the great room. All the sofas and chairs were pushed to the side while flutes, guitars, and drums came out. Isabel and one of Gus’s nieces sang ballads, but most of the music was fast, and the children and adults enjoyed the dance.

  “Mama, look!” Sarah yelled from the dance floor where Lucien had put the little girl on his shoulders and was spinning her around. Sarah held out her arms and laughed long and loud.

  “Look how tall you are!” Natalie’s heart was nearly bursting.

  “I know!”

  Lucien grinned, his normally solemn face transformed by the small child on his shoulders. Sarah had that gift. Everyone fell in love with her even if they were also exasperated.

  Natalie’s belly was full of roasted wild turkey, and she leaned against Baojia’s chest, his arms wrapped tightly around her as they watched their friends and children dancing.

  Dez had overseen the best American Thanksgiving dinner ever produced in Patagonia. There were mashed potatoes and apple pie. Lots of turkey and rich cornbread dressing spiked with salty bacon. The only thing missing had been cranberry sauce, but since that was Natalie’s least favorite part of Thanksgiving dinner, she was okay with that.

  She’d checked nearly everything off on “Nat’s Bucket O’ Blood List.” She’d gone rock climbing with some of Gus’s nephews, who’d led her up a popular trail and managed to get Dez and Natalie—neither of whom had ever climbed before—in harnesses and up the side of a small cliff. It was thrilling and hard and probably not that safe, but she hadn’t told her husband that and neither had the boys, for which she was eternally grateful.

  She’d been exhausted. She’d also felt more alive than she had in years.

  Natalie and Dez borrowed kayaks and took all the kids down the river for a picnic. They played in the sun and sand every day. Her tattoo was healing nicely, and it didn’t hurt at all anymore.

  Wine had definitely been drunk.

  “How are you feeling?” Baojia kissed the top of her head. “Christmas is tomorrow.”

  “Technically”—she looked at her watch—“Christmas is now.”

  He frowned. “Did we pack the kids’ stockings?”

  “We did.”

  He nuzzled her neck. “You are extraordinary.”

  “Because I remembered to bring the kids’ Christmas stockings?”

  “Because…” He took a deep breath and fell silent.

  Natalie looked over her shoulder. “Baojia?”

  He was struggling to find words. Natalie put a hand on his jaw and pressed her cheek to his chest. Her beautiful, quiet man. “It’s okay. I know.”

  She did know. She knew his heart. He showed it in a thousand different ways. He showed his heart when he programmed the coffee maker before he retired to day rest. He showed it by being so patient with the kids when Natalie lost her temper. He showed her in all the ways he supported her work, which was so much a part of her identity. For the six hours a night that he was able to share with his children, they were the center of his world. He’d learned how to cook so he could feed them food he would never eat. He ate green vegetables to set a good example.

  “You are extraordinary for reasons you cannot even imagine,” he said quietly.

  “So are you.”

  He reached up and twisted her hair around his finger. “I don’t want your eyes to change. I love your eyes.”

  She smiled. “I’m hoping they’ll stay the same too, but if they don’t, is it really a big deal?”

  “No.”

  “Nope.” She slid her arm around his waist. “I hope you still smell as good when I have a super nose.”

  His chest shook with quiet laughter. “Me too.”

  She looked up and he met her eyes. “Hey, George?”

  “Hey, Red.”

  “I really love you.

  “I really love you too.”

  “And I would not want to do this with anyone but you.”

  “Same.” His mouth tightened into a line. “You sure you’re all right?”

  “I will be.” She nodded with more confidence than she felt. After all, if there was one thing she didn’t need to do, it was freak out. Christmas was tomorrow. If it was going to be her last Christmas morning, she wanted to stay up to see the dawn.

  Brigid and Carwyn sat out on the porch, watching the sky grow lighter and lighter.

  “Do you remember that Christmas morning?” Carwyn asked.

  “Hmm?” Brigid sipped a mug of tea. “Which one?”

  “Purple hair.”

  His glorious girl. Carwyn watched the smile spread across her face, and it was his own personal sunrise.

  “In Wicklow when I was still human?” She nodded. “I do remember that. Was I smoking?”

  “Aye.”

  “Oof.” She winced. “Such a bad girl.”

  “My bad girl.” He hooked his hand around her thigh. “I was thinking of that tonight.”

  “Was it my last Christmas before I changed?” Brigid narrowed her eyes. “I don’t think so.”

  “Maybe the last with the family.”

  “Maybe.” She swayed in one of the hardwood rockers Carwyn and Gus had made for the porch. “What has you thinking of that?”

  “Natalie.”

  “Oh, but she’ll have so many more Christmases,” Brigid said. “She can’t see it now for all the worry, but all the important things are going to stay the same. And she’ll be so much safer. So much happier in the end. She might not enjoy food as much. But that’s it really.”

  “And watching the sunrise.” He nodded toward the horizon. “There’s that.”

  “The sun.” Brigid shrugged. “It’s overrated.”

  Carwyn laughed.

  “What?” Brigid said. “It is. And they have those lovely nature programs on the telly now. She can watch those if she misses the sun.”

  “There is that.”

  “I mean, I feel for the lot of you who lived before television and movies. I can say that for certain. But now?”

  “We deserve no pity,” Carwyn said. “I agree completely.”

  “Oh, now I didn’t say I don’t pity you, poor man. You’ve got that troublesome smoker of a wife to put up with.” She winked.

  “You’re right. My eternity is blighted.”

  She reached over and tried to punch his thigh, but he laughed and intercepted her.

  “Blighted, he says,” she muttered. “I’ll blight you.”

  “I’m sure you will.”

  Brigid stood and moved from her chair to Carwyn’s lap. He wrapped his arm around the tiny woman and rested his chin on her shoulder. “Darling girl.”

  “Sweet man.”

  “Happy Christmas.”

  “Happy Christmas. I’m glad she’s here. Glad Natalie is here. This is a good place, even if it has far too many people.”

  “Ah, my small, unsociable urchin, I love you so.”

  “I love you too, carnín.”

  Natalie waited for the sunrise, waited for the children to collapse into bed and for Baojia to fall asleep in his lightproof room before she walked outside, sat in the sun, and allowed herself to fall apart.

  Everyone was sleeping, and she was looking at an eternity of darkness. In the silence of the dawn light, she allowed herself to grieve. She grieved for the sunlight and the passing of time. She grieved for the passing of change and her humanity.

  But mostly she grieved for the year of life she would miss. She’d been watching Carina and Jake that night, watching the differences between ten-year-old, preteen Carina and Jake’s still round
ed baby face and innocent eyes. The time passed so swiftly, and while a year might not seem like a lot to a century-old vampire, for a child it was an eternity.

  It was a year of school and countless tiny memories.

  It was a school crush and a new best friend.

  It was new words and new books and new discoveries she wouldn’t be a part of.

  Her chest felt hollow and her head was too full.

  “Natalie?”

  She heard Dez’s voice behind her, and she swiftly straightened and wiped her tears.

  “Don’t.” Dez came and sat beside her, wrapping her arms around Natalie. “Don’t do that. You cry if you want to. This is a lot, and you’ve been putting on a brave face for a month now.”

  “A…” She hiccupped. “A y-year, Dez. A whole year, and I’m not gonna be able to see my babies. I can’t… I can’t handle that. I can’t even imagine it.”

  “You will handle it.” Dez squeezed her shoulders fiercely. “You will survive it, and they will too. They will have a father who adores them, and they will have good people around them. People you trust. People who love them.”

  “B-but will they understand?” She sniffed and wiped her eyes. “Will they understand why I can’t be there if they’re hurt? If they’re sad? What if something really bad happens and I’m not there?”

  “But you will be there,” Dez said. “You will be. Even if you can’t be right next to them. You’ll be thinking of them, praying for them, talking with them when you’re feeling like yourself again.”

  Natalie tried to nod. “I-I know all that, but Sarah is so young, and she—”

  “You will be there for them.” Dez shook her. “Don’t you see that? This is what you have to do to stay with them. This is a short sacrifice for a long reward. And they will understand that later if they don’t understand now.”

  “B-Baojia didn’t want to tell them about the cancer. We haven’t told them because… we figured it would be bad to scare them when it wasn’t going to be an issue, so we’ve just been telling them that it’s time for Mom to become a vampire and that’s why we’re here, but are they going to think I did this just because? That I’m abandoning—”

  “No.” Dez shook her again. “No, they’re not going to think you’re abandoning them. Natalie.” She laughed a little. “They’re going to talk to you every night. You’ll have phone calls. Maybe even video chatting if the signal booster thing Matt is trying out works.”

  Dez pointed at the house. “Know what Beatrice is doing right now? She’s inside with Giovanni, waiting to talk to Ben in Mongolia for Christmas. Mongolia! Natalie, your kids are right here, surrounded by wonderful, safe, caring people. They are going to be fine.”

  She took deep breaths, trying to calm the ache in her heart. “Okay.” She nodded. “Okay.” Leaning her head on Dez, she said, “Sorry for the freak-out.”

  “Are you kidding? You’ve been the one calming everyone else down about all this for a month now. I know you’ve been putting on a brave face to convince Baojia and Lucien you’re just fine with all this, but you don’t have to pretend with your friends. You want to be scared? Be scared. You want to freak out that you’re gonna have fangs? Freak out a little. I mean… do it now when you don’t have fangs so I don’t have to worry about you biting me.”

  Natalie swallowed the lump in her throat and checked her pockets for anything she could blow her nose with. A half-shredded napkin with green frosting smeared on it would have to do.

  “I’m really worried I’m going to be a bad vampire. Is that weird?”

  Dez snorted. “What?”

  “I mean, everyone I know who’s a vampire is way more serious and badass than I am. I don’t know how to fire a gun. I mean, I could if I had to, but the pen is mightier than the sword, right? In my heart, I’m a total pacifist. Can a pacifist even be a vampire? Is that ideologically consistent, Dez?”

  Dez pursed her lips. “Well…”

  “Be honest. Can you even imagine me beating someone up?” She thought about some of the assignments she’d been on. “I mean, it’s sheer luck I’m still alive at all. I run out into traffic.”

  Dez put her hand on Natalie’s shoulder. “I have a one-word answer to this conundrum: Carwyn.”

  “No, that doesn’t count! Because have you seen him? He acts all ha-ha-jokester, but when he gets really mad, he can be scary as hell. I’ve seen it.” She put a hand on her chest. “I don’t have that thing. Whatever it is he has, the thing that Baojia and Giovanni and Beatrice have? I don’t have that. I don’t.”

  “Does Makeda?”

  Natalie cocked her head. “I don’t know.”

  “I mean, Mak’s a scientist. She’s not bloodthirsty or badass, but she’s managed.”

  Natalie nodded. “Okay. Okay, maybe. But I still say—”

  “I say that you don’t have to have all this figured out in the beginning,” Dez said. “All I’m saying is that if Carwyn the priest and Makeda the nerdy doctor can figure out a way to be themselves through eternity, then you can too.” She squeezed Natalie’s arm. “I know it.”

  Chapter Nine

  “You can’t be there.” Giovanni’s voice was unwavering. “Your instincts won’t allow it.”

  “I’m not leaving her.” Baojia didn’t blink. “I don’t know how you even think it would be possible.”

  Christmas night had come and gone. Dinner had been glorious, but everyone was exhausted from the night before, and Natalie had gone to bed early, curled up with the children in the big bed in their room. She wanted to wake up early with them to watch the sunrise. It would be their last sunrise with their mother. The next night, Natalie would make the change to become a vampire.

  “Think,” Beatrice said. “Lucien will be draining Natalie’s blood to the point of death. You know him. He is your closest friend. But the fact is, she is your wife. Your mate. And what he’s going to do will harm her, even though you know—in your logical mind—it’s necessary.”

  Lucien took a deep breath. “My friend, I agree with them.”

  “Even though I couldn’t stop Beatrice’s father from turning her, I completely ignited watching it,” Giovanni said. “You must remember.”

  Baojia said, “You reacted that way because she didn’t tell you she was doing it. Which in retrospect—by the way—I am completely on your side.” He turned to Beatrice. “I don’t know what you were thinking.”

  Beatrice gave him a withering look. “I see the Society of Affronted Husbands has decided to make an appearance. I am not rehashing this with you.”

  Baojia turned to Lucien. “You didn’t overreact when I turned Makeda.” He glanced at Makeda, who was reading in the corner of the library. “You were completely calm. Clinical even.”

  “Different,” Makeda murmured. “Totally different.”

  “Agreed.” Lucien exchanged a look with his mate. “Though I had feelings for Makeda from the beginning, I wasn’t in love with her. I didn’t have eight years together and two children, Baojia. It’s not the same thing.”

  Giovanni said, “When Beatrice turned, I was incredibly angry that she hadn’t allowed me to be with her. In hindsight, I know it was for the best.” He leaned forward. “Think. Your instincts are going to tell you that Lucien is killing her. Do you want to lose control when doing so could have such horrendous consequences?”

  “I don’t want to fight you off when I need to be taking care of Natalie,” Lucien said. “You need to think of her.”

  Makeda spoke quietly. “She won’t want you there.”

  Baojia blinked. “What?”

  Makeda had been quiet throughout the discussion in the library. Beatrice, Lucien, Giovanni, and Baojia were discussing the mechanics of the change, and Makeda had been sitting quietly in the corner, reading her book and sipping a glass of wine.

  “She won’t want you there.” Makeda set her book to the side. “But she won’t tell you to stay away because she loves you. She’s your wife, but she is an indepe
ndent person. This change is her choice. It is her body. Lucien will be her sire. Fundamentally, this is not about you. I imagine she would rather you stay with Sarah and Jake, not with her.”

  Baojia sat back and let Makeda’s words sink in. Though he was Makeda’s sire, he had never considered her a child, even in the vampire sense. She was too mature. Too wise. He had an enormous amount of affection for her, but she was more like a sister than a child.

  “Do you truly think so?”

  “I do.”

  Baojia took a deep breath and felt a little bit of his heart break off. He knew Makeda was right. This was Natalie’s decision. Natalie’s future. Her future was entwined with his, but it did not belong to him. “I’ll stay with Sarah and Jake.”

  Lucien put a hand on his shoulder. “Trust me.”

  “I do.”

  “And be there when she wakes,” Giovanni said. “That’s the most disorienting time. That’s when she’ll need you the most.”

  He looked at Lucien. “Tell me what to expect.”

  “Do you dislike being dirty?”

  “As in…?”

  “Actually being in dirt. Having dirt on your skin.”

  “I don’t know that I like it, but it doesn’t particularly bother me.”

  “Good.” Lucien smiled. “That is very good news.”

  Natalie watched the sunrise with Jake and Sarah by her side. “You guys understand what’s going to happen tonight, right?”

  Sarah leaned against her, bundled up in blankets and snuggling under Natalie’s arm. “You’re gonna be like Daddy, and we won’t get to see you during the day anymore.”

  “No, you won’t,” Natalie said. “Does that make you sad?”

  “If you’re sleeping and Baba’s sleeping, who’s gonna take care of us?” Sarah said. “Ariel and Miss Olivia aren’t here!”

  “Well, right now they’re taking care of everything back at home. But they may be coming soon, and while we’re here, Beatrice will help take care of you. And Dema—”

  “I like Dema!” Sarah bounced up. “Can Dema come to our house?”